The art of ‘no’: How stop people pleasing 

This post features advice on how to stop people pleasing.

There is no one on this planet who suffers more than a people pleaser.

And I say that with my whole chest.

As someone who has struggled with saying no my whole life, I used to sometimes marvel at how easy it seemed for other people.

One of my friends in particular was just always on ten when it came to her boundaries, like admirably so.

And then there was me who was always getting stuck in shitty undesirable situations because I just couldn’t say no. It was crazy.

But I’m guessing if you’re here you probably have a similar problem.

As unfortunate as it is, people pleasing comes naturally to a lot of us. 

Maybe you grew up in an environment where you were made to feel selfish for putting your needs first (relatable). Or maybe your need to please comes from wanting people to like you (also relatable).

In either case though, people pleasing does more harm than good. And regardless of what others might say, there’s a difference between self-absorption and self-preservation.

Healthy relationships require healthy boundaries and the sooner you learn to say no, and stop people pleasing the better.

So in the spirit of preserving our well beings…

Here are 8 things you should do to stop people pleasing. 

1. Recognize the Signs of People-Pleasing

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said ‘yes’ when you really wanted to say ‘no.’ Or have felt guilty for putting your needs first. 

Also raise your hand if you’ve ever found yourself overcompensating or over-apologizing for stuff you didn’t do.

For those of us whose hands are still down, raise your hand if you’ve ever been stuck in a seven month relationship with someone you didn’t like because you just couldn’t say no- Okay maybe that’s just me…

But!

If you recognize any of these behaviors in your own life then you’re probably a people pleaser, and it’s definitely time to re-evaluate your relationships.

2. Understand the Root Causes

As I mentioned earlier, people pleasing can stem from a lot of avenues.

Maybe your parents were lowkey narcissists who made you feel guilty for having needs. 

Or maybe it’s a validation thing and this is your way of saying ‘hey please like me, I can be useful to you.’ Which is obviously not healthy. (Also check out our list of self validation affirmations if you can relate)

My point, though, is that by understanding where these behaviors come from, you can start to unravel them and replace them with healthier patterns.

3. Set Boundaries (And Stick to Them)

I know from experience that one of the hardest things to do is set boundaries with loved ones. But that doesn’t make them any less necessary. 

I’ve already spoken in depth on this topic, but healthy boundaries protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. 

When you begin to set boundaries, it’s important to communicate them clearly and kindly. Remember, boundaries aren’t about being rigid or unkind—they’re about showing respect for both yourself and others.

Start small: If you’re used to saying “yes” to everything, practice saying “no” in situations where you know it’s not in your best interest. 

For example, if Chelsea asks you for a favor but you don’t have the time or energy, respond with something like, “I’d love to help, but I’m already committed to something else.” 

Clear, but not mean.

It’s still gonna feel uncomfortable, but the more you get used to it the easier it becomes to get rid of your people pleasing habit…

4. Learn to Say No Without Guilt

Look babes I know it’s hard- the possible disappointment, being seen as selfish etc- but saying ‘no’ is essential to your wellbeing.

And really this is something that takes many of us a lifetime and a whole lot of self love to face. But by saying “yes” to something that doesn’t align with your needs or values, you’re essentially saying “no” to yourself.

You do NOT owe anyone an explanation.

A simple, polite “no” is enough. Over time, you’ll become more comfortable with it, and others will respect your decisions.

5. Focus on Your Own Needs and Desires

The best way to remove something from your focus is to replace it with something else.

This means that the biggest part of freeing yourself from your people pleasing habit is reconnecting with your own wants and needs. 

Ask yourself, “What do I want? What makes me happy? How can I make time for myself?”

Start by identifying hobbies and activities that bring you joy.

For you that could be Journaling, reading a book or spending time with loved ones.

In any case by prioritizing self-care and investing in your physical, emotional, and mental health, the more confident you’ll feel in asserting yourself with others.

6. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable

Breaking your people pleasing habit means accepting that you won’t always make everyone happy.

Unfortunate, but it is what it is.

People may not always approve of your decisions, and that’s okay. The truth is, you can’t control other people’s reactions, and it’s not your responsibility to do so.

Allow yourself to be imperfect. 

Everyone has the right to their own opinions, and it’s impossible to please everyone all the time. The sooner you accept that the better.

7. Surround Yourself with Supportive People

One of the things you can do as you begin to erode these habits is to surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries. 

Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, and the people closest to you should encourage you to be yourself, not just to meet their needs.

Having a supportive inner circle means you won’t be hounded for making decisions that are pro-you. 

And as you go further on this journey you begin to identify relationships you’ve outgrown and people you may need to cut off.

8. Practice Self-Compassion

Breaking free from people pleasing is a journey, and there will be moments when you slip back into old habits. 

When this happens, don’t be too hard on yourself. 

Personal growth takes time, so instead of beating yourself up, be patient and acknowledge where you slipped up so you can do better.

Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and respect just as you are. 

And- I promise- you definitely are.

Final Thoughts

People pleasing is a draining habit that really doesn’t serve you in the long run. I hope this post has helped you become better at saying ‘no’ and I hope your life is one hundred percent better because of it.

Before you go though, what are your craziest people pleasing horror stories? I’d love to hear in the comments!