Life can really suck sometimes. Whether you’re going through it at work or having trouble in your intimate relationships, there’s always some hardship to...
Anyone who’s uncomfortable with you setting boundaries has benefitted from you not having any.
I’m betting if you asked any ten people in your life what boundaries are you’ll get something along the lines of ‘You can’t do X.’ I find this funny because although everyone knows what boundaries are, very few of us truly know what it means to have them constantly enforced; myself included.
My sister recently had her baby (a beautiful baby girl) and somehow, somewhere between her birth and her becoming three months old, I found myself as her designated babysitter. Now, this isn’t that big of a problem, I love babies (my niece more so than others)- It’s just that at the time I had a lot going on, but that’s beside the point…
I genuinely had no idea how it happened! I’d been very vocal about what I was going through and the situation just couldn’t have been less ideal. Then I realized it was because I wasn’t properly communicating my boundaries.
If you’re here it’s likely that you too are in a situation where the dissonance between your feelings and actions has become too great. Where you’ve had to ask yourself where someone else ends and you begin.
I did. It sucked, but I’ve recently learned of some better ways to go about this. But first…
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are invisible lines that define our personal, physical and emotional limits concerning others. They’re essentially our way of protecting our well-being and establishing autonomy in our relationships.
In today’s society that glorifies selflessness and often blurs the line between self-preservation and self-absorption, I can understand your reluctance to set clear boundaries. But that doesn’t make them any less necessary.
Setting boundaries requires empathy and communication so there are a few things you need to keep in mind when establishing yours:
No one is the villain
Two things can be true at once! This person may have benefited from your lack of boundaries, but that doesn’t make them deliberate or malicious in any way. It’s important to not villainize them, and approach the situation with as much empathy as you’d have for yourself.
What is your goal?
You can’t accurately communicate what you want, or what you don’t want, if you don’t know. Take your time to organize your thoughts, journal about it if you have to, but make sure when you approach that conversation you’re doing so with clear intentions.
Some people just won’t like it. (Whatever!)
It’s unfortunate but it’s true. If your decision affects them and they don’t have your best interest at heart expect hellfire! I’m lucky enough to never have had to cut off any of my friends, but you may not be. Just bear in mind that some people may try to gaslight you or try to change your mind but as long you know what you want you should be fine!
So how do I go about setting boundaries?
Here is a battle-tested method that I’ve used:
Step 1: Reflect
Take your time to assess your needs and limits. Consider situations where you’ve felt uncomfortable, drained, or taken advantage of in the past. As I said earlier, you need to understand what’s important and what you wish to protect.
Step 2: Identify specific boundaries
Be specific about behaviors or actions you’re uncomfortable with. I don’t mean to sound like a high school English teacher here but use examples. Anything that helps to reinforce what you’re saying is a win in my book!
Step 3: Choose the right time and setting
I’m sorry to say but if you choose to have a conversation about boundaries with your boyfriend while he’s had a bad day at work then what you say is likely to fall on deaf ears. There’s never a perfect time, but pick your battles…
Step 4: Communicate clearly using positive language
My mother is part of the generation that either doesn’t believe respect should be mutual between parents and their kids or doesn’t know how to communicate properly. I know how it feels to have someone be like ‘Don’t do this’ or ‘Stop doing that’ and I’m telling you it doesn’t work!
Instead of framing it as ‘Stop doing this Jason!’ it’s better to say ’I’d appreciate it if you didn’t do this.’ This puts a positive spin on things and is likely to increase the receptiveness of the person you’re speaking to.
Step 5: Be firm and consistent
Once you’ve established your boundaries stick to them. If someone crosses them kindly remind that person of your limits and why they’re important to you. Consistency is key!
Step 6: Adjust and evolve
Nothing is set in stone. As you grow, your tastes are bound to evolve as well. Regularly assess how your boundaries are working for you and make adjustments as needed.
Remember, setting boundaries is an ongoing process and it’s okay to learn and adapt along the way. By prioritizing your needs and communicating effectively you’ll build healthy relationships and create a more balanced and fulfilling life!
